As I have found, 12 months and 11 days later, nothing has
changed for me. I'm still the monster I always was. I don’t know if I will ever
change, I don’t see much hope for the future.
I look in the mirror and still loath what I am and what I’ve become.
I blame myself for everything that’s happened; I don’t blame
my “illness”, I still have enough control over my faculties to know the
difference. If I really am out of control and if I really have lost control
over myself, I don’t see how it’s possible for me to come back. Because that means I don’t have control over
my mind and my brain as opposed to the illusion that I still have control over
my intelligence.
I feel defeated by everything. No matter what I try to
create or do or make or even say is pathetic and shit. The only reason I am
putting fingers to keyboard now is because I don’t know what else to do before
my counselling session. My stupidity has resulted in my family joining me in
today’s session. I know why they have to but it will be next to impossible to
hear what they need to say without it feeling like an indictment of my failings
and proof that I am the worst person alive.
If I really have lost control of everything, how can I make
the decision to come back to who I used to be? How do I regain control over
myself? If I have lost my intellect how can I put myself back together? How can
I know what to do? How can I change if I don’t have the brain function to do
it?
Am I too far gone to come back? Will I always be this
monster that I am now? What can I do?
Who am I really?
What am I?
How can I be strong enough to fix anything when I feel so
weak?
The world is so dark; do I really stand a chance?
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