Tom Waits - Come On Up To The House

Well the moon is broken
And the sky is cracked
Come on up to the house
The only things that you can see
Is all that you lack
Come on up to the house

All your cryin don't do no good
Come on up to the house
Come down off the cross
We can use the wood
Come on up to the house

Come on up to the house
Come on up to the house
The world is not my home
I'm just a passin thru
Come on up to the house

There's no light in the tunnel
No irons in the fire
Come on up to the house
And your singin lead soprano
In a junkman's choir
You gotta come on up to the house

Does life seem nasty, brutish and short
Come on up to the house
The seas are stormy
And you can't find no port
Come on up to the house
There's nothin in the world

Come on up to the house
Come on up to the house
The world is not my home
I'm just a passin thru
Come on up to the house

There's nothin in the world
that you can do
you gotta come on up to the house
and you been whipped by the forces
that are inside you
come on up to the house
well you're high on top
of your mountain of woe
come on up to the house
well you know you should surrender
but you can't let go
you gotta come on up to the house

Come on up to the house
Come on up to the house
The world is not my home
I'm just a passin thru
Come on up to the house

How Life Turns To Shit - Intermission

As I have found, 12 months and 11 days later, nothing has changed for me. I'm still the monster I always was. I don’t know if I will ever change, I don’t see much hope for the future.  I look in the mirror and still loath what I am and what I’ve become.

I blame myself for everything that’s happened; I don’t blame my “illness”, I still have enough control over my faculties to know the difference. If I really am out of control and if I really have lost control over myself, I don’t see how it’s possible for me to come back.  Because that means I don’t have control over my mind and my brain as opposed to the illusion that I still have control over my intelligence.

I feel defeated by everything. No matter what I try to create or do or make or even say is pathetic and shit. The only reason I am putting fingers to keyboard now is because I don’t know what else to do before my counselling session. My stupidity has resulted in my family joining me in today’s session. I know why they have to but it will be next to impossible to hear what they need to say without it feeling like an indictment of my failings and proof that I am the worst person alive.

If I really have lost control of everything, how can I make the decision to come back to who I used to be? How do I regain control over myself? If I have lost my intellect how can I put myself back together? How can I know what to do? How can I change if I don’t have the brain function to do it?

Am I too far gone to come back? Will I always be this monster that I am now?  What can I do?

Who am I really?

What am I?

How can I be strong enough to fix anything when I feel so weak?

The world is so dark; do I really stand a chance?